this will be a little self indulgent but friends please bear with me.
last year under similar conditions i boldly embarked on what i fear may have been a meek task, the year of single.
the year was intended to give me and the universe a break from an emerging and unsatisfactory pattern of short term relationships which all ended with me ending things. i needed to stand outside relationships to better see who i was, where i began and where i ended. and of course to give the rest of humanity a break.
but my year of single was from the beginning woven of threads from the lives of others. it began with confused feelings regarding my ex which were during the course of the year natural, predictable, thankfully resolved, and illuminating. the second thread was 'the crush.' [the crush has been the subject of posts here and here.] the crush remains but has always been robbed of innocence and joy because i have been suspicious of its role.
my crush manifested itself in preoccupations that amounted to immersion at times in thinking of another that was/is hard to differentiate from being involved. where is the light of single in the shadow of a crush.
all year i wondered if i was being fair to myself and to my friend. unfair to myself because i was not getting any closer to me [yes me preoccupied is me] moreover was i preoccupied with her because of the impossibility of us. safe in the knowledge that i would not be hers and she would not be mine.
my status to her as sweet and goofy hardly bespeaks a woman who has been swept off her feet: especially this woman.
no harm has been done as our communications are gentle warm breezes gently sweeping a field of emergent bounty. we are and will always be friends. i am at this time wise enough to know how thoroughly friendship withers after the fire of romance.
i do not foresee another year of single nor do i seriously believe that i will forsake the intoxication of romantic love for the sobriety of platonic love. how can i, awash as i am in this world of beauty and pleasures. i would have to be cloistered in a remote hermitage and then while removed from the immediate presence of beauty i would instead suffer amidst its memory and project myself into it's fantasy.
and then of course there are the mini-crushes, infatuations .....
yeah i've got work to do.