Tuesday, July 31, 2007

running in the heat

this will be a little self indulgent but friends please bear with me.

last year under similar conditions i boldly embarked on what i fear may have been a meek task, the year of single.

the year was intended to give me and the universe a break from an emerging and unsatisfactory pattern of short term relationships which all ended with me ending things. i needed to stand outside relationships to better see who i was, where i began and where i ended. and of course to give the rest of humanity a break.

but my year of single was from the beginning woven of threads from the lives of others. it began with confused feelings regarding my ex which were during the course of the year natural, predictable, thankfully resolved, and illuminating. the second thread was 'the crush.' [the crush has been the subject of posts here and here.] the crush remains but has always been robbed of innocence and joy because i have been suspicious of its role.

my crush manifested itself in preoccupations that amounted to immersion at times in thinking of another that was/is hard to differentiate from being involved. where is the light of single in the shadow of a crush.

all year i wondered if i was being fair to myself and to my friend. unfair to myself because i was not getting any closer to me [yes me preoccupied is me] moreover was i preoccupied with her because of the impossibility of us. safe in the knowledge that i would not be hers and she would not be mine.

my status to her as sweet and goofy hardly bespeaks a woman who has been swept off her feet: especially this woman.

no harm has been done as our communications are gentle warm breezes gently sweeping a field of emergent bounty. we are and will always be friends. i am at this time wise enough to know how thoroughly friendship withers after the fire of romance.

i do not foresee another year of single nor do i seriously believe that i will forsake the intoxication of romantic love for the sobriety of platonic love. how can i, awash as i am in this world of beauty and pleasures. i would have to be cloistered in a remote hermitage and then while removed from the immediate presence of beauty i would instead suffer amidst its memory and project myself into it's fantasy.

and then of course there are the mini-crushes, infatuations .....

yeah i've got work to do.


mhandsco said...

Three by Lady Otomo Sakanoue for you:

Now that I have given away
the orange tree that I planted
and raised in my garden,
I am distracted with regret -
I rise, I sit, I rise again -
but there is no use.

And these two linked poems:

If I yielded you my heart
that I have burnished
slick as a true clear mirror,
it will be no use
if later I should speak regrets.

Your words say you will love me
now and in the time to come,
like a strand of true jewels.
But regrets will be of no use
after I have met you.

cyclingdave said...


thanks matt.

jaimama said...

We all have work to do. Relationships or the lack thereof ,by choice or by chance are the most difficult work we have to do each time around. Whether we plow through it, wondering how to make it through another year, or week, or whether we feel ourselves growing & learning with each passing day, it's all work. Work isn't a bad thing. It's what we're here for. To work & to love, right ?

Crushes are delicious though sometimes can be a form of torture ( self-inflicted, but still...) . This is coming from the most crush-prone person I suspect there is,on the face of this earth.


cyclingdave said...

wonderful words of wisdom f. we have to remember to dispense with the worry of the crush and revel in its joy. its the delicious energy of the two combined which makes them unique.

enjoy the cooler day.


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